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Ordinary

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[09 Jun 2008|09:16pm]
i'm so depressed.
8 comments / reply

unique little snowflake [29 Jan 2008|02:16pm]
this city makes me feel incredibly ordinary, dull, and boring. i'm not a berkeley graduate, not into fashion design, i wear pretty much one color!, i'm not a musician, an artist, or a political advocate. i don't do yoga, i don't shop organic, and i don't have an IT job.

forget it, i'm way cooler than all that.
1 comment / reply

would you like a happy little cloud on top of that? [24 Jan 2008|01:51pm]
last night i went to a circus. i don't think i'll ever understand postagitprop political theater if my life depended on it. an hour and a half into the show, i stood up and walked out. bored.. there were no costumes. an argentinian caveman-look a like banged away on the piano while two naked people danced evocatively on ropes hanging from the ceiling, strangling themselves in asphyxiation. in the background, a manly man with hairy ape legs was ironing plastic dolls and mumbling "mama!" over the microphone. somehow, this all had to do with the war in iraq, but they lost me an hour and a half ago. i made a poor girl in crutches make way for me to get out, it was so that bad. i'm glad i only paid $10, not $25.

a few days ago i decided to try eating raw. so far i'm on day three; with only nuts, berries, and tomatoes in my belly'... kombucha, yerba mate tea, and coconut juice keep me going, and i'm weening off the smoothies... i'm starting to feel goooood....

last week i went to vesuvios, a little cafe/bar where jack kerouac once frequented in north beach (that i swear everyone should go visit), to meet this guy Andrew i befriended a week prior at a cafe. as i walked in on the bustling 5PM Friday evening crowd, i maneuvered through the mass of businessmen slamming their hard drinks and i see a tall white dude in the back with a brown leather jacket and beanie on-- just exactly what he was wearing the last time we talked. cool. to be sure, i approached cautiously with a quiet "Andrew?" ... "Yeah?" he confirmed. I turn around, order something quick and sit down. I began rambling on about my week and he turned incredibly awkward the whole time. normally i'm a shut in and i would NEVER meet someone one on one, even if it is strictly platonic, but we had promised to continue our interesting conversation about religion, philosophy, and life in general (nothing heavy of course). Half an hour in, Andrew suddenly became this terribly boring person that i would have absolutely no interest in talking or hanging out with. his attitude changed and things just got strange. before i could look for a way out, i get a soft tap on my shoulder and turn around. "Vanessa?" ... my eyes glazed a bit... "It's me. Andrew." .... "No, you're not Andrew" I blurted out, as I pointed to the man I had been talking to this whole time. "He's Andrew." ...

Yes, that's right. they were both named Andrew wearing the exact same thing. same size, shape, and color. it was amazing... you had to be there. i wonder if that guy (who ended up being a tourist from chicago) thought i was hitting on him... lolol!

so i got a new job. i work at whole foods serving coffee. it sounds hokey, but i'm content. i had a hostess job for a week last month, but i hated the clientle and quit when the depression hit. i'm full time now and open most days at 5AM. i'm making more money than anywhere else i've worked, and it's so laid back. my coworkers are great, except this crazy chinese lady who calls me 'Daughter!' in a heavy accent and picks out all my shortcomings which are really innocent nothings... to balance it out, i work with Rob. His job is my comic relief in life in general. He used to be a dead-head from santa cruz, was a local actor, current writer, sufer, and gambles on horse races every weekend. he's dating a late 80's electric type-writer and want's to be a real time ninja. with guys like him, i know i take life too seriously...

next month i'm going to portland. to visit EVERYONNNEE!!

this is my life
sincerely,
lordpork.
(inside joke)
1 comment / reply

[07 Oct 2007|01:58am]
this is being deleted right now.
to contact,
vecrews@gmail.com OR
myspace.com/vecrews

it's been a good seven years, livejournal.
1 comment / reply

[30 Sep 2007|01:14pm]
so i was totally kidding last month about trying to marry a foreigner just to get a different passport. (c'mon people-- marriage?! PFfgfht!) anyway, wow. it's October now. I'm still HERE. HERE! HERE! ... I've got my backpack on and I'm waiting for the light to turn green.. but I'm still stuck at the red. this season is good for me though. i'm learning a whole lot; my vision on life has been constantly changing. my ways of thinking and reasoning are being challenged, and i try not to be so stubborn. i'm slowly accepting things that i would have never accepted before -- does not mean i'll have to embrace any of it, but at least i'm not afraid of change...

anyway. to add details would be hard. i have to go to work. just thought i'd send a quick hello on here. (who reads this anymore, i don't know)
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[15 Sep 2007|02:13pm]
i need to marry a foreigner, stat!
i hate the american passport!
might as well put a flashing neon bulls eye on my forehead.

stupid war.
2 comments / reply

Turning a New Leaf.... [31 Jul 2007|01:31pm]
I opened up a CD Account today. My first investment! It was a scary transition since the whole banking world is my biggest paranoia. By the end of it's maturity, I should be able to buy a plane ticket somewhere .... (Shhh)

I have this suspecting feeling that I'm going to be turned into a supervisor at work sometime this fall. This kind of sucks since the pay raise is a little over a dollar and the stress simply doesn't balance it out. The only plus side is managerial experience and a highlight on the resume...but truthfully, I don't want to take it up.

So, this past week I've been consuming milk, cheese, and meat only to find that I can't stomach it as well as before. My stomach churns, my breath stinks, and other TMI I dare not write. Since I've been in the city, I have been eating mostly a vegetarian diet, but I'd hate to turn into a picky eater. With the cheese and milk gone, I'm not sure what to eat anymore? Tofurky and almond butter? Whatabout my Sunday BBQ, and midnight burgers? And the Tamale Lady?! OH GOD, THE TAMALE LADY!

Anyway, this post is ridiculous.
1 comment / reply

maybe some of us were just meant to be simply that. [20 Jul 2007|02:32am]
sometimes... i feel like those sad old men you see at those family buffets eating by themselves.

(i've gone off the deep end)
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[27 Jun 2007|12:00am]
im such a sell out.


i got an ipod.
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[15 May 2007|12:32pm]
Discipline.

In my search for discipline this past month, I've realized how incredibly human I am (no, duh!!) Full of self wishes, self yearning, I can't seem to look past myself and gaze towards the bigger picture. Sigh.

Denying my carnality, I've embarked on a 10 day journey with no food. Simply water and tea. Sure, I've slipped up. (Three times) ....but didn't Peter also deny Christ three times before the rooster crowed?

I was hoping for breakthrough, and other than a man spitting on me in the street saying "Get away from me!!" I have not broke through any kind of supernatural dimensions.

I STILL need breakthrough. But how much longer can I go?... Much of the 10 day fast consisted of 7 consecutive days of work, so my focus has been blurred. On the upside, I have lost 20 lbs! On the downside, none of my clothes fit.

I hear that on the 21st day, your body is in real danger, so I'm hoping to either wrap this up now or continue for another four days in case God wants to go out with a bang!

If anything, my hunger pangs with anguish for the children living in poverty. I do this willingly, but they have no choice. The next time I go back (to whatever country) I will not eat unless they eat with me.

LORD! BREAKTHROUGH!
2 comments / reply

[12 Apr 2007|12:00am]
lately i've been on this effort to change SOMETHING in my life. i don't know exactly what for..? but these past 6-8 months have been fruitless.. i have nothing to show. i'm not growing, i'm not maturing, i'm not blossoming into this superhero that i planned to become (just kidding)... i've fallen patheticly apathetic. Tragic.

i yearn for discipline. i need conquest. i need challenge, i need hurt. .. i need rawness. i yearn to not only be the alpha but also the omega wolf. i need humility. i need to fall and rise again. as a new creature!

i need to shut up and go to bed, i have to be in the shower and out the door by four AM! SiGh.

i dont know how the forefathers, desertfathers, saints, monks, and other highly disciplined people did it.. i'm so unmotivated....but willing. gOd!?
1 comment / reply

St. Romuald's Brief Rule For Camaldolese Monks [09 Apr 2007|12:00am]
Sit in your cell as in paradise.
Put the whole world behind you and forget it.
Watch your thoughts like a good fisherman watching for fish,
The path you must follow is in the Psalms — never leave it.

If you have just come to the monastery,
and in spite of your good will you cannot accomplish what you want,
take every opportunity you can to sing the Psalms in your heart
and to understand them with your mind.

And if your mind wanders as you read, do not give up;
hurry back and apply your mind to the words once more.

Realize above all that you are in God's presence,
and stand there with the attitude of one who stands
before the emperor.

Empty yourself completely and sit waiting,
content with the grace of God,
like the chick who tastes nothing and eats nothing
but what his mother brings him.
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poor [05 Apr 2007|01:49pm]
my clothes are giving up on me. they've been torn up, bruised up, beaten up, and spilled on. On some days they have lost the willpower to even cover my nakedness (oops) my shoes too are broken spirited. they've got gaping holes, hopeless shoelace, and a depressing sole. kind of like me.

i tried forcing myself to shop today, but it was to no avail. i'm not driven enough to find outfits these days that are "tailored" for my "lifestyle".. even the new flattering clothes that I tried on gave me no happiness. how boring.

i wish i were a caveman.
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145 days [21 Mar 2007|10:08pm]
i bought a one way ticket out of the city and i'm not sure where i'll end up.
[i dont have much plans]
i've been offered no certainties...
but my appetite pangs for something fresh and intense
[to taste ...reality?]
i just want to slip away and disappear for a time
[could this be a public admission that i am running away?]

will life be the same when i return?
will i even be the same?

not for a while....
it's my lucky 13.
4 comments / reply

[30 Jan 2007|09:45pm]
[ mood | silly ]

sometimes i like putting on the jester's hat and dancing for the world

1 comment / reply

GUESS WHAT!! [22 Jan 2007|02:25pm]
I'm learning Arabic formally again. Ahhhhh!!! I feel so geeky I can't stop trying to translate things. But I ask myself.... how will this help my trip to South America this Fall? By the way...

...Anyone want to go to South America with me? I plan on living there (learning spanish, ironically) with less frequent travel. i want to see most of everything with a focus in Peru, Ecuador, and Bolivia... YOU know you want to go... c'mon...how could you say no to mountain biking down spines of volcanoes, meeting amazonian warriors, and swinging vine to vine through the rainforest like the king of the jungle?!... LETS GO!!!
4 comments / reply

[15 Jan 2007|01:14pm]
a suspicious $200 transaction occured in my checking account two days ago.
i can't find my debit card, but even more curious - why $200 at sears!?

my juicer that i bought december 3rd still has not arrived. i've sent mean emails for a month now. i swear i'm not letting this go.

it's tax season. i hate tax season. what the heck is a 1099 MISC form anyway?

i hate responsibility.
1 comment / reply

[10 Jan 2007|05:59pm]
-i stole candy from the store by accident
-i brushed my teeth with face wash before going to bed
-i have a cold that developed within the past half hour
-i'm missing an important event i've been anticipating all week tonight.
-i have to be at the airport by 11:30 tonight and take an expensive cab home
-i'm waiting for the UPS man... it's been 4 hours
-this upcoming fall i will not be in the united states. i don't know where i'm going, but i'm GOING!
-i have no food in the pantry OR fridge!
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'gothic fairy tale...' [10 Jan 2007|02:06am]
i just saw El Laberinto del Fauno... or, Pan's Labyrinth in the theaters. all i can say is HOLY CANNOLI!

"Pan's Labyrinth" is the story of a young girl who travels with her pregnant mother to live with her mother's new husband in a rural area up North in Spain, 1944, after Franco's victory. The girl lives in an imaginary world of her own creation and faces the real world with much chagrin. Post-war Fascist repression is at its height in rural Spain and the girl must come to terms with that through a fable of her own."

it's kinda like chronicles of narnia meets the spanish war... as intense and sometimes depressing as it was, this movie was great. go see it.
1 comment / reply

joy to the world...the lord has come... [25 Dec 2006|01:09am]
let earth recieve her king.
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